Multiple Choices

I lie wide awake in the darkness.  My body rests, but my mind races. So many questions and so many possible answers.  It’s like a giant multiple choice test,  and I hurry to make the proper matches.  My body moves to find a more comfortable position.  The questions turn to thoughts and the thoughts pour out and fall like raindrops into a stream of semi-consciousness where they spread out in hundreds of directions.  I jump easily from one to another until the stream finally slows and I float happily with a single thought on my way to the land of dreams.  My arm falls asleep and my body must move again in order to stop the tingling.  The questions form anew and I lie awake again in the darkness.  My body moves toward sleep but my mind continues to wander in search of a thought that will take me to dreamland.  I am almost there and yet I am watching from afar.  I see the cycle.  I’m caught in it and I can not escape.   I wonder if I will remember this in the morning.   These thoughts are keeping me from my goal but I know if I do not write them down they will be forgotten.    My body resists, it does not want to awaken.  I lie, wide awake again, in the darkness. 

Billy

So, I joined a writing club.  Kinda fun.   They meet every Monday and anyone who wants to can bring something that they are writing and share.  The objective is supportive criticism and just a chance to get feedback from others.  I find it encouraging and motivating. 

Last week was my first time to attend so, not wanting to go empty handed, I took the poem 'Time of your Life' with me.   It was pretty well recieved.  Everyone else was writing stories though.  So this week I decided to try to write a story.  This is the first story I've written in years and it was a lot of fun to write.  I hope you enjoy it.   There will be more to come.

Billy


You could normally find him at the corner of Company Street and Market, sleeping fitfully in the doorway of the old theater, or, hanging out at The Lighthouse Missionary hoping for a hearty meal. Sometimes you’d see him around town. No one knew when he arrived, where he came from, or any details about his past. Actually, no one even knew his real name, everyone just called him Billy. He was one of Christiansted’s many homeless.

Even on a tropical island, living on the streets can be pretty challenging. Food wasn’t so much an issue because the people at The Lighthouse were pretty generous. He might not get a meal every day, but he ate regularly enough. The real challenge was to not get sick and to not get hurt. Many of the others on the street were sick already and some of them were pretty aggressive and angry. Fights would break out sometimes for no reason at all. There were many other dangers too. It was imperative to always be constantly aware and to trust no one. Billy learned early that is was best to keep a low profile and stay in the background.

It wasn’t that hard. Billy was almost invisible anyway. Most people would walk right past him, actually almost stepping over him, without even acknowledging his existence. Oh, they saw him; they just preferred to act as if they didn’t. If he tried to approach them, they’d cross the street to get out of his way or angrily tell him to stay back. He was bigger than average and black as black can be. He was filthy dirty. He looked frightening. Most people took one look at his ragged coat and disheveled appearance and kept as far away as possible. Some even threatened him. Therefore, as a general rule, Billy tried to stay clear of ‘most people’.

It’s a lonely life being homeless. Billy was social by nature, and this solitary life was getting harder every day. He hadn’t chosen to live on the streets, he’d just wound up there. He didn’t even know how it had happened. Sometimes Billy dreamed about what it might be like to have a home. He especially liked the idea of having and being someone’s friend; someone to love and to be loved by. That seemed pretty unlikely. His future seemed hopeless. You could tell by the way he walked that Billy was losing his will to live.

One Thursday everything changed for Billy. He was snoozing under the Flamboyant tree at Holy Cross Church. He was feeling particularly down and depressed and he wasn’t paying any attention to his surroundings. He didn’t notice the man until he had already sat down on the nearby bench. The man looked right at Billy. He looked right past the mangy coat and built up dirt. He paid no attention to Billy’s size or appearance. He looked right into Billy’s eyes. Billy looked bravely back. Reflected there they each saw themselves. They saw loneliness and pain and the need for a friend. They knew immediately that they were meant for each other. Billy got up, padded over to the man’s side and laid his head in Mister’s lap. Mister reached down and stroked Billy’s ears. He spoke softly; “You’re a good dog, Billy. I think I'll take you home with me. “

Mister and Billy have been best friends, inseparable, ever since.

Hurricane Earl

Earl gave our little island a swing by yesterday... bringing high winds and a lot of rain and sending all of us inside for a day.  Fortunately, although a category 3 storm when he passed just 90 miles north of us, we did not have too bad of winds and the damage was minimal.  A few down trees, a lot of debris, a day or two of clean-up... but all and all not so bad.  We weathered the storm with fresh baked oatmeal cookies and a big pot roast.  Yumm.

Today.. lots of yard work is waiting for me outside but I just don't feel like getting off the couch yet.

:)

chasing chicks

So I woke up this morning as usual and step outside with SpeedBump and Loki.  They take off to do their business and I hear a bunch of clucking and pio pio pio from the garden bed on the side of the house.  Turns out Momma Hen has somehow gotten herself and her chicks down in the bed and her little babies are just too small to hop out.  Now Speed thinks this is a wonderful opportunity for a little breakfast but I scold him away and head to the rescue. I try shooing the Momma out of the bed , but as I reach in to get her little babies out, she comes rushing back in at me trying to scare me away. (she did).  She seemed to think she was a rooster and was trying to actually flog me, silly girl.  So I look around and see the pool net, netted me two little chicks and did my good deed for the day.   Now... she had three chicks yesterday, so I'm thinking that one of them fell prey to the night.   I head back inside chuckling at the way my morning started.  A short while later I have to head down to get something out of my car and I hear these desperate pio pio's from the parking area.  Upon investigation I discover the third chick who is frantically trying to find his mother and running literally around in circles.  He is terrified as I approach and tries to hide but I'm able to catch him and walk him across the pool deck to the other side of the house.  Momma is not happy to see me... but was delighted when her little chick jumped out of my hand and ran to her protective wings.  Another good deed done.
Funniest part is I hate that damn chicken.  I don't want more chicks on the property and the best thing I could have done was to have let Speedy have his fresh breakfast....LOL.  Baby chicks by the way are very cute.

The Bracelet

My niece Christine and her family visited me last month.  What a beautiful, strong and fun loving family.  Charlie is a lucky father and grandfather to such a fine family. 

The weather wasn't what I had been hoping for, but Chris and her family exceeded my expectations. We had a great time despite the fact that a tropical storm (Bonnie) formed overhead the entire length of their stay. We went scuba diving, had a rib cook-off, enjoyed some beach time, and made the best of a wet and windy tropical island.  We made the most of it though and had us some fun. While here, I introduced them to the crucian tradition of hook bracelets.  They all (except Kevin of course, he's like John... not a jewelry man) went home with a Sonya hook around their wrists, properly positioned with the hook facing in to show that their hearts were taken.  :)   It was fun to see them "get" the concept of our island hooks.  

For the girls, we went one step further and in commemoration of their visit, and our first chance to really get to know each other, we visited Crucian Gold and I got us all Nathan's heart bracelet.  It is a beautiful bracelet with a gold heart featuring the crucian knot, mounted on a silver band.  I chose this bracelet because of the well recognized symbol of love, and the idea of a love knot being binding.  I wrote a poem for us to remind us:

The Bracelet, by Laura Ballard

A gold heart for love of family, a gold knot for the ties that bind us.
A silver bracelet around our wrist, meant simply to remind us
That it’s common folk we come from, and common genes unite us
We’ve many similarities that surprise and delight us
But the greater gift we’re given, the one that matters in the end
Is that we are now not just family, we are each other’s friend

Ties that bind

I am 51 years old.  My niece Christine is 42.  We've known of each other all our lives,but until a week ago we did not really know each other at all.   This week Christine became my friend. Her family became my family, not just in name, but in the heart. 

Today I am so happy and so sad at the same time. They hopped a plane home today and I do not know when I will see them again.  That is sad.  I miss them already. I want to know them better.   But I am so grateful too... grateful, happy and proud. I'm grateful that they chose to visit and give me this opportunity to know them.   I am so happy that we have "discovered" each other and that this is just the beginning of our times together.  I am proud to be related to this family that is so beautiful, loving and strong. They are a family I am proud to be an auntie to.

How did all this finally come about?  It's funny, but, thank you Facebook. Without you, I doubt we would have made this connection.   A connection that will hopefully lead to future fun times together.

Sad at the loss of a friend.

My friend Kathie died on Friday.  A friend calls on Saturday to tell me this news. What? Kathie? Heart attack? How is she? "She didn't make it. " Those words. "She didn't make it". What do you mean she didn't make it? That's impossible. This just can't be. Shock. Anger. She is too young. It is true though. She didn't make it.

It is impossible to imagine that this is true.  That she is gone.  That I will not be able to call her the next time I need to hear her wise counsel.  That her distinct laugh is no longer to be heard.  She wasn't sick that we knew of.  She was only 47 years old.  She was happy and starting a new adventure in her life.  She had so much going on and was living life to the max.  She woke up on Friday morning not feeling well and by nightfall she was gone.

Sadness.  No words can express the sadness. The oddness. The sense of loss.  How can this be?  What are we supposed to feel?  How are we supposed to act?    It seems too unreal.  Too impossible.  Numbness.  I wish I'd spoken to her more recently.  I still have things to tell her, times to share, plans to fulfill. 

Kathie loves Brad.  Brad loves Kathie.  What can I say to him to help his hurt?  How can I face the pain that he is feeling knowing that nothing I can say or do can help?  I can not make it go away.  We are all helpless.  How could I possibly be strong when I do not know if I could endure what he is enduring.  Why am I so afraid to face his pain?   Again, I do not understand myself why I feel the way I do.  I hate this.  I hate my weakness.  I am human and I am flawed. I will do what I must do come to my own terms with the sad reality that Kathie is gone...., and of my own inability to deal with it.


My friend Kathie died, before her time, on Friday, July 2nd, 2010.    There is nothing I can do.  It is true.

Post note to self:
We must all move forward.  It is so true that everyday is a gift, precious.  We must live each one fully for we do not know that there will be another.  Tell people you love them often.  Do the things you dream of doing.  Live.